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rawr [12 Jul 2006|02:43am] [ mood | exhausted ] you touched my heart you touched my soul; and love is blind and that I knew when my heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your head shared your dreams and shared your bed I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. I just stole that from my friends away message. I liked it. anyways so yeah, i dont know. i feel so lost. not so much with my life.. just myself in general. i feel that theres so much of myself that i have yet to discover, but i dont think that i can do it. i dont even know how to begin looking into myself to find it. I wish there was some one that could help me but i dont really think there is anyone. there is so much going on in my life right now and i just wish that things would be a little bit easier for me to deal with and they're not. so much shit goes on around me and im just stuck in the middle of it. i cant do anything about it and that angers me more than anything imaginable. and there is nothing in this fucking world i can do about it. I hate not being able to help the people i love and right now i feel i need to help them more than ever, especially melinda, but i cant. Its driving me insane. but the truth of the matter is i really need to help myself. i wish i could talk more in depth about this stuff on here, writing usually helps me clear my mind, but i cant because more than half the population that reads this would think im completely off the wall, even more so than i already am. but yeah, i think im just goin to be done writing now, and im going to sit here and waste away at this stupid computer. balls in your mouth What'd you say?

[03 Jul 2006|10:03pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | smile empty sould - bottom of a bottle. ] i wanna put my head through a wall. balls in your mouth What'd you say?

[03 Jul 2006|07:15am] [ mood | stressed ] i really want to update. cause theres so much i wanna talk about but i dont even know where to begin. everything is goin crazy. Im feeling so overwhelmed. People expect so much from me. And i cant handle it. On top of that im just so confused. And no one can help me. theres so much i need to figure out. I need to go look for a job today. im po' i have bills to pay and yeah... balls in your mouth What'd you say?

so [30 Jun 2006|05:10pm] [ mood | depressed ] so i havent updated this stupid thing in forever. maybe i should write in it more. the past 2 days have been competely crazy. i think i've gone insane. Things are just so weird. Melinda and I broke up, i dont really know whats goin on with that. And im just having some other issues with my life that i really want to take care of. I really want to find a job, a good job. thats like my biggest problem. its making me so depressed. and i feel like such a low life. i just want to get my life back together, and i dont think i can. i have court again on the 10th. and theres shit i need to do before i go. im also supposed to start school on the 10th so i can get my diploma... i cant start till the 11th thou.. i dont know. i dont know what to do with myself. blah.. me sad ;[ balls in your mouth What'd you say?

[24 Jan 2006|11:14am] [ mood | silly ] " You are so graceful out there. Its like you are dancing among the pumps... You're beautiful" Only my wife. lol. like watchin me pump gas my love? balls in your mouth What'd you say?

[17 Jan 2006|11:56am] [ mood | giddy ] WOw, so yeah, today is 2 months. 2 effin months. thats it. i dont believe its been such a short period of time. it feels like forever. but in the end forever wont even be long enough. Oh well. 2 months ;] Happy 2 Months my love ;] I love my melon. ps. chocolate syrup in my cleavage. not good. must shower. balls in your mouth What'd you say?

[12 Jan 2006|12:53pm] So, i think its time i updated this stupid thing again. Things have been going pretty good. I started working at wawa this week. Back to pumping gas again, i hate it, but i do it well, (not that its all that hard) and its puttin money in my pocket, I have a lot of bills that need to get paid , so i really shouldnt be complaining, i just need to keep fuckin working. Hopefully eveything is goin to keep getting better. Really i just want to hurry up and get an apartment with melinda, and get out of her mothers. it would be so much better for all 3 of us. We would all be so less stressed out, and i think just generally more happier. but yeah, theres so many other things goin on right now. My mom is goin in for surgery next week, but i know she'll be alright. I'm kind of worried about my brother though. He had to do some hydration crap for wrestling, and he's on probation,and whatever he did he had to drink a shit load of water, and he went and took his piss test and they viloated him and said he tryed to dilute his urine. So now my mom had to go get a laywer and crap. I just feel so bad for him, he's tryin so hard to get through all of this, and its just so fucked up for him. But i'm sure my mom will fix it, she always makes sure he's ok. Besides working i've been trying to really find myself, really figure out what i'm all about. I've started really finding out things i never knew. I've been sober for almost 2 months now. Which is extremely amazing for me. and its not only the fact that i'm on probation that i'l doing it. Partially its for Melinda and Joy, because melinda doesn't like it around joy, and i dont think that I want to raise joy the way i was. But its more for me. I dont need to be getting high right now. it shouldnt be a priority in my life. I have so many other things i need to do with myself rather than waste my life ( and money) on something stupid like that. I mean, I'm not saying i'll never smoke pot again, because i'm sure that i will at least a few more times in my life but its not going to be something i aspire to do everyday in my life. I've also been realizing that I've grown up a lot quicker than most of all my friends, and I honestly didnt think it would be so easy with out them. it didnt occur to me until Jess and i got a stupid fight because she was jealous. But I've come to realize that i dont need any one but myself. Any one else in my life is just an added plus. Melinda and Joy are the only two that i know will stay in my life for the rest of it. They're the only two people i cant live without. They are my reason for breathing. But everyone else is just there. I do have friends, and i enjoy them very much, but i dont live my life around them any more. I just do me, and thats all i should be doing. ( and melinda of course ;] ) haha. But yeah, I have also started studying Wicca. I've wanted to for quite a while, but i never really had any one i felt comfortable with teaching me and i didnt think i would be able to do it on my own. Melinda, is a very good teacher though, and i'm very comfortable around her, so thats making it a lot easier for me. I dont think i'm learnin as much as i should fast enough, but thats just the way i am. i want to know everything and i hate waiting to know. I've never really felt conected to a religion as i do this one. And i'm really happy that i have mel here to help me. I dont know what'd i do with out her. As for our handfasting, planning is going pretty well. We pushed the wedding back so we can have it outside, it will be so beautiful. I cant wait to have Melinda as my wife. wow ok. I really didnt realize how much i had written, until Melinda looked over at me and said.. "damn your still typin that" lol so anyway, i think im going to be done with this now. I want to go look at some other stuff before my time runs out.blah stupid library only givin an hour for the computer. they suck. ok, im done now. I love you Melon ;] balls in your mouth What'd you say?

HmM... [26 Nov 2005|03:00pm] [ mood | content ] So, wow, i havent written in this thing in god knows how long. guess cuz i know that no one really reads it. oh well. i feel the need to write some crap. Im so fuckin happy with my life right now, its insane. i never knew that anyone could ever be as amazing as my wife. she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i hope she never leaves. i moved in with her, and her parents lol. god we need to find an apartment. i just want to be with her forever. her and our beautiful daughter. well, shes her daughter, but i adopted her, kinda. well fuck, shes mine. haha. so yes, we are on the search for an apartment and its not goin all too well. im waiting to see if my job can transfer me up here, because i moved like an hour and a half away, it really shouldnt be a problem but this wait is killin me. im ready to jus get everything in my life settled finally, and now its just taking to long. blah. this blows. haha . ok im done now. Hey babe, if you read this. I love you <33 balls in your mouth What'd you say?

hMmM... [17 Jun 2005|11:11pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | Ludacris - Blueberry Yum Yum ] ;D im graduating on the 28th and i turn 18 on the 26th and there i updated are you happy now? balls in your mouth What'd you say?

[30 Nov 2004|04:46pm] [ music | Eminem - Mocking Bird ] Trust Metric My trust level is: 14% LJ username: balls in your mouth What'd you say?

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